You know, with the richest contract in baseball history, some people think I've got it made. Let me tell you, $27.5 million a year doesn't go as far as it used to.
I've cut back on a lot of things. Tipping clubhouse boys at out-of-town ballparks is one area where I think I can save money this season, especially at National League stadiums during interleague play. I see those guys maybe once every five years--if they're lucky.
Another cost-saving measure I picked up in this month's Penny Saver magazine, which I stole from my dentist's office--QVC! You can get some great buys on serious bling for yourself and your lady friends, just hanging around the house using the patented "Tootie" feature. Madonna likes those crystal thingies--not sure what good they do her. She's homely as a horse, but her body gives me a workout better than the Yankee masseuse.