Thanks, David Axelrod. The secret is out. I'm an out-and-proud energy hog!

I like to show off my trim, athletic figure, so no suit coat for me. I'm also from Hawaii, as my chief advisor so astutely points out, so I like to keep the temperature in the Oval Office at a toasty warm 80 degrees.

Did I mention that my favorite rapper is Nelly? I totally dig "Hot in Herre"! Even though I feel compelled, Bill Cosby-style, to correct his ebonics spelling.

I know, I know. I told you when I was campaigning that we would all have to sacrifice and stop keeping our thermostats on 72 degrees. Well, I kept my promise. My thermostat isn't on 72 anymore--it's much higher!

If you will just turn yours down to, say, 64, we'll be even!

I didn’t know who to direct this to; things have been kind of hectic lately, what with me becoming President of the United States of America and all.

You hold back a lot of emotions, mostly rage, when you’re looking to craft the perfect political image, but I hold them back no more. I have been biting my tongue and sitting on my hands for far too long. The following is a list of people that need to get what’s theirs, and how to correctly administer the come up-ins.

Samuel Johnson – During 5th Grade he made me eat dirt on two separate occasions, unfortunately for him, I was running for Class President at the time and needed to appear humble. I would like for you kidnap him, feed him dirt until he vomits, and then tar and feather him. Afterwards, leave him tied to some building in whatever crummy town he lives in, with a sign that reads “I done bad.”

My fellow Americans--everybody is entitled to make a mistake. Or two.

First, I pick a Treasury Secretary who doesn't pay $34,000 in taxes, and thinks summer camp is deductible. This is going to make IRS audits interesting. "If Tim Geithner can do it, why can't I?"

Then I pick a Health and Human Services Secretary who didn't pay $140,000 in taxes. Gotta hand it to Tom Daschle--he went all in on the flop.

So today, I am issuing a blanket "mulligan" or "do-over" or whatever you want to call it. Anybody I appoint to my cabinet will have outstanding taxes, fines and penalties forgiven, as long as they promise to be good boys and girls from now on, and don't have their fingers crossed behind their backs.

Because there's more coming. Energy Secretary Steven Chu owes the Stanford library $43.82 in overdue book fines. He checked out "Lord of the Rings" in 1994 and never returned it.

Spare me, please, the crocodile tears of former Bush torture-master John Yoo in yesterday's Wall Street Journal. Just because I shut down Guantanamo Bay, all of a sudden I'm a softy. Puh-lease!

Has Yoo ever lived through a two-daughter slumber party on the night of his inauguration as the first African-American President of the United States? I didn't think so. That's toughness.

I said when I closed Gitmo that I rejected the false choice between our safety and our ideals. We can't be mean to people just because we want to be safe. I used to be a law school professor, and it's right there in the Constitution--mean people suck!

But before Republicans jump all over me for being soft on terror, here is the new list of rules for handling suspected terrorists:

1. If we capture you, we will release you. You should have just the same rights as a smallmouth bass.

2. We will discontinue waterboarding as barbaric. Instead, we will offer wakeboarding, step aerobics and pilates. Sign up early, because classes tend to fill up quickly.

Jesus H. Freaking Christ--first day on the job and the fawning adulation has already stopped! Where's the love?

I've got tough decisions to make, like where to put the prisoners if I shut down Guantanamo.

Turns out Kansas doesn't want them. I never saw that coming. Great basketball state, I'm the "Basketball President". Fine, go on and be that way.

Other countries don't want them either. Who knew? I thought they were like old racetrack greyhounds. You know, nice liberal couples would adopt them.

My fellow Americans:

Today marks the final step in a long and difficult march to freedom. For smokers.

For too long, people like me have been forced to stand outside in the cold and the rain in order to exercise a very basic, fundamental right. The right to stick a bunch of leaves in our mouths and set them on fire.

Martin Luther King smoked. Maybe Rosa Parks didn't, but Humphrey Bogart did, and he was the ultimate in cool. God, I must have seen "Casablanca" a million times when I was going to Harvard!

But enough about me. Today is about you--the people who have fallen in love with my voice and my slim, hip figure. I wouldn't have that voice or figure if I didn't smoke. So I am today signing Executive Order No. 1 of my administration.

All no-smoking signs are coming down. No more "smoker's ghettos" outside office buildings. No more fern bars with bitchy women giving you the hairy eyeball when you so much as take a pack of cigarettes out of your pocket.

America--smoke 'em if you got 'em!

I'm getting flack from conservatives for nominating Timothy Geithner--try saying that five times fast--to be Secretary of the Treasury.

All because he didn't pay his taxes for 2001. Or 2002. Or '03. Hey look over there--it's Bono! Or '04.

C'mon you troglodytic Republican dinosaurs! Anybody can make a mistake that continues for four straight years. Just because the Treasury Secretary is the head of the IRS, that doesn't mean he has to know something about taxes--that's what accountants are for!

Hold on a second--this just in. Turns out he tried to add overnight camp costs to his dependent child care expenses. Well, what's so bad about that?

Didn't you ever see 'Mr. Smith Goes to Washington' with Jimmy Stewart? It's very inspirational. Kids need fresh air!

By now, you've heard all the rumors. I'm a Muslim--not that there's anything wrong with that.  I'm not an American--not that there's anything so hot about that. I'm a radical, I'm a smoker, I dribble left-handed and can't go to my right.

Lies, all of them--except the one about smoking. But you should know this about me--I am a Vulcan.

That's right--the super-rational race of beings whose most famous member is Spock, from Star Trek.

Look at it this way. Who would you rather have as president: a wack ex-POW like McCain, a low I.Q. ticket-balancer like Biden--both 100% human, as far as anybody can tell--or mutts like me and Spock, who have both human and Vulcan ancestors?

I may not be president yet, but rest assured, I'm working hard with my staff to ensure a smooth, historical, and totally "mac" inauguration and transition.

We huddled over the weekend to go over a few things. First thing everybody agreed on--"The Star-Spangled Banner" has got to go.

It's hard to sing and it's based on an English drinking song. Nobody knows the lyrics except for the first words--"O, say can you see?"--and the last--"Play ball!"

People been talkin' about getting a new national anthem for years, but nobody ever does anything about it. That's why I'm Mr. Change You Can Believe In. I'm going to hit the ground running with a new national anthem on inauguration day, or Larry Summers is an overweight, misogynistic wise-ass!

We got together in a conference room at Democratic National Headquarters and I told everybody, you get one vote, one chance to be part of history. Any singer, any group, except for The Carpenters and N.W.A. Two things I won't tolerate are the "n" word and Karen Carpenter jokes.

Everybody folded their little pieces of paper and passed them up to me. Here's the final tally:

#5: Play That Funky Music, White Boy, by Wild Cherry. An oldie but goodie, but it didn't get enough popular votes. Sort of like John McCain.