Spare me, please, the crocodile tears of former Bush torture-master John Yoo in yesterday's Wall Street Journal. Just because I shut down Guantanamo Bay, all of a sudden I'm a softy. Puh-lease!

Has Yoo ever lived through a two-daughter slumber party on the night of his inauguration as the first African-American President of the United States? I didn't think so. That's toughness.

I said when I closed Gitmo that I rejected the false choice between our safety and our ideals. We can't be mean to people just because we want to be safe. I used to be a law school professor, and it's right there in the Constitution--mean people suck!

But before Republicans jump all over me for being soft on terror, here is the new list of rules for handling suspected terrorists:

1. If we capture you, we will release you. You should have just the same rights as a smallmouth bass.

2. We will discontinue waterboarding as barbaric. Instead, we will offer wakeboarding, step aerobics and pilates. Sign up early, because classes tend to fill up quickly.

3. Anything you say may be submitted to "Gitmo Dreams: Detainees Emote", our forthcoming chapbook of vers de terrorisme.

4. If you can't afford a lawyer, we will provide one for you from the pro bono program of a Wall Street law firm. They've got a lot of time on their hands right now.

5. If you are released and kill a U.S. soldier in combat, your Friday night movie privileges will be revoked upon your return to camp. So watch it.

6. If you are released and kill a U.S. civilian in a Mumbai-style raid, I won't get re-elected. So don't, okay?

Pretty please?