I've picked up a few, er, essential items over the past few weeks. Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac--now something called AIG. I have no idea what these words stand for, but all my friends said "You simply must buy them!" So I did.

And now I'm sort of running low on cash. So don't ask me if I'm interested in your Upper Deck Ken Griffey, Jr. rookie card. Or your 8-track tape collection--including The Commodores Greatest Hits. Or your Beanie Babies.

Since when did I become like, everybody's BFF? I sit here in Washington, looking out the window, waiting for my next honorary degree from some cow college in a state that begins with an "M", trying to make the big decisions--and the phone just won't stop ringing!

First it's Henry Paulson at Treasury. He's got another "too big to fail" deal for me, at everyday low prices--and he'll throw in rustproofing and floor mats. My question is, if he's going to pass the buck to me, how come he gets to sign the dollar bills and not me?

Then it's Bush. Save my legacy, he says. Yeah, right. What are you gonna do for me? You give everybody else in Washington their own personal nickname, and what do I get. Nothing--nada--zip. I like "Ben the Human Spellchecker", since I won the South Carolina State Spelling Bee when I was just 11! Or "Ben the Brain", in recognition of my record-setting SAT score--1590 out of 1600!

It's something I really want, okay? How would you like to go around all your life with the middle name Shalom?