I got married way too young, and I didn't do much experimenting (sexual, that is). I missed the "Am I straight or am I gay?" window, a brief period when young men mess around together and make up their minds about which holes they prefer, and on what gender.
If my long-time missus, Ali, weren't so totally hot and into my favorite sport, there are a few guys I would totally be into being into -- besides my bandmates. You guys are always my aces in the hole, so to speak.
1) Eddie Vedder
Definite Pro: There's just something about his cheeks -- upper and lower decks. Also, had an awesome album, Ten; subsequent work mediocre enough not to threaten me.
Possible Cons: Weight seems to fluctuate; friends with smelly hippie Neil Young. Also, there's that bass player with the silly hats in Pearl Jam. I fucking hate that dude.
2) Jason Bateman
Definite Pro: Handsome, well-spoken, funny. As everyone who stuck with U2 after "Pop" knows, I love a good comeback.
Possible Con: Occasionally looks like smug dickslurp.
3) George Lopez
Definite Pro: Hairy Latino.
Possible Con: May accidentally shout out "Mencia" while we're in sexual conflagrato.
4) River Cuomo
Definite Pro: Mmmmmustache!
Possible Con: Does he dole rides out for free?
5) George Clooney
Definite Pro: Kisses better than Brad Pitt.
Possible Con: Starting to develop old-man stink.
6) Ben Affleck
Definite Pro: Worse actor than Matt Damon, but hunkier.
Possible Con: He's damaged goods, i.e., Jimmy Kimmel's sloppy seconds.
7) Heath Ledger
Definite Pro: Looks great in Joker drag, one of my many kinks.
Possible Con: Not too into gay necrophilia anymore.
8) George Michael
Definite Pro: Dude's so gay he could turn pro at gayness.
Possible Con: Might get arrested, since he's obviously under constant surveillance.
9) Thom Yorke
Definite Pro: Dude wants me, obviously, so he'd be easy conquest.
Possible Con: Ugly.
10) John Mayer
Definite Pro: If I give in to his advances, he might stop stalking me. Or is that a con?
Possible Con: May get infected with LSV: Lame Songwriter Virus.
(Photo by Maggiejumps via Flickr.)
Thom Yorke:
I made the list, I made the list!!! I made the list!!! OhmygodI'msohappy........***sobs uncontrollably***
5/29/2008 12:46 PMLaura:
No Johnny Depp?
5/29/2008 5:50 PMBill Clinton:
Bono, I'm disappointed that I didn't make your Top Ten, because you are in mine. Completely hypothetical that is, because we all know Slick Willy is all about the ladies.
5/29/2008 8:13 PMBono:
Laura: This is just the 2008 list.
5/30/2008 11:51 AMBill: If Hillary wins, we'll talk.
Ledger:
I am in heaven and I watch you, Bono. I feel really upset that my death causes cons to your decision. I know I am the best!
6/30/2008 9:11 AM