Well, it's official, kids! I'm president of the Michael Hutchence Fan Club!

Wait. What is that? You don't know who Michael Hutchence is ... er, "was." Seriously?

The guy who accidentally suffocated while jerking it? That's right, the ol' autoerotic asphyxiation, or if you prefer, the jack-the-junk-and-choke-and-die. A cruelly hilarious way to shed the mortal coil.

Michael and I were close friends and I can attest: He really was always after a new sensation. Songs never lie.

This is really buggin' me that none of you know who he is. Was. Remember that recent "Rock Star" show where INXS tried to replace someone? That was Michael they were replacing.

OMG, you don't know who INXS is either? Oh, the humanity!

OK, you know what? Michael was Australian and a beautiful man, like Heath Ledger, who also killed himself indulging in one of life's simple pleasures. In his case, it was too many pills. Yum!

Now, if you'll excuse me, yer boy Bono has some drapes to change and a pharmacist to call.