Cough. Erm. Blecchhh. Arrrum. Ugh. Ooh. I didn't know it was possible to be hungover and drunk at the same time.

Hey honey, go get that camera you used that one time when daddy was drunk. Remember, the time I was so into that awesome sandwich you thought I was drunk? You put it up all over the world wide net?

C'mon, lighten up. Don’t look at me like that! And while you’re at it, don’t talk to me like that. I'm just a little -- hic! -- inebriated.

What do you mean I’m gonna get "fired" if my blood tests positive for alcohol? Fired from which show? Knightwatch or whatever?

“America’s Got Talent?” That's a dumb name. What’s that supposed to mean, anyway? America doesn’t have any talent. Not anymore. I’m the last of the song and dance men. After they molded me, God threw away the mold with the baby's bathwater. Something like that.

Hey! You want to feel my pecs? BEEEEEELLLCH! OK, that one kinda hurt.

I just rented "Alvin and the Chipmunks" from the Redbox robot machine at McDonald's. I had no choice. It was all out of "Fool's Gold" -- that same old bullshit again.

But it's the erroneously named "Alvin and the Chipmunks" that has me pissed off and posting. It stars aging nerd David Cross and Jason Lee, a name that sounds suspiciously Asian, along with three delightful, possibly animated chipmunks: Simon, Theodore and Alvin.

What I want to know is, where does the title "Alvin and the Chipmunks" come into it? Alvin's a chipmunk. Simon's a chipmunk. Theodore's a chipmunk. They're all flipping chipmunks! The title implies otherwise! Alvin is a chipmunk, people! At the very least, the dumb twats who named this movie should have called it "Alvin and the Other Two Chipmunks."

As it is makes him sound like he's something special, i.e. (or is it "e.g."?), something other than a chipmunk, or as if he has something over on the others.

Upon repeated viewings -- 17, to be exact -- I can not say that this is the case.

You'll just have to trust me when I say Alvin's nothing special. Perhaps he is in real life, but not in the context of the movie.

Mario Lopez has been everywhere lately, including People's Hottest Bachelor cover. He boxes, he's hooking up with Eva Longoria. He's even been selling hotdogs from a street cart. Try as I might, I can't keep up with someone this young and vital.

Further, he's apparently been dieting and working out a lot, or taking 'roids. Everyone in the press is all ga-ga over him because of his abs and rock-solid bod. 

Can you think of anyone who had better abs, and still has more height? Plus, I'm better looking, if you ask me, and I do. And, "Mario Lopez" -- I dunno, is it just me, or is there something just a little too ethnic about that name for America and its innocent tweens?

But let's get back to abs. My abs. At 55-years young, I still have like a stomach like a sewer grate. It's just that there's a little more raw sewage incubating around down there. I mean, I take Metamucil by the pound, but what are you going to do?

Sigh. Just the fact that I am talking about my stool tells you People Magazine will never put me on its Hottest Bachelor cover.

I just saw The Incredible Hulk, and, indeed, it was Incredible. The animatronics are life-like, the Hulk's stomach almost as flat and toned as my six-pack during Baywatch's critically adored fifth season (my personal fave).

However, it is my sad duty to report that Ed -- can I call you Ed, Edward? -- Norton's performance in The Otherwise Incredible Hulk is best described as a hulking batch of shittiness. For starters, we all know about his petulant behavior, unbecoming of a true celebrity. Refusing to do publicity? Are you insane?!

That's tantamount to saying God can go fuck Himself. You just don't do it under any circumstances.

Also, every time he opens his mouth, Ed Norton sounds like a weasel. I know that weasels can't talk (at least I think they can't), but if weasels could talk, they'd sound like Ed. I don't suppose there's anything to be done about that.

How ya doin', America! It's me, The Hoff, writing my first-ever sober blog post! Boo-yah!

You know who I am if you've ever seen "Knight Rider," a just plain awesome show from the 1980s, a decade I have little recollection of. Thank God for VHS, right? Cool thing is, the producers totally let me keep the car, KITT, with whom I still have adventures.

I was also on "Baywatch" for about 10 years. Those details are also fuzzy. I remember doing a lot of slo-mo running. In case you still don't know who I am, perhaps this photo will help jog your memory:

I could look at this picture all day. In fact, one time I did. My eyesight hasn't been the same since. Something about it just captures my personality. As I've said before, "I believe the camera photographs your aura, and it also photographs your heart."