If you're ever having problems getting out of bed in the morning, and can't develop any fantastic reason of why you should get up and face another day, try thinking this: ham sandwich.

This morning I woke up feeling like garbage. Like some hunk of loser I bring on my show to berate and decry in front of my mammoth national TV audience. But this morning, staring at myself, I looked pudgy and weird. I have a mirror over my bed. No, the mirror is not for sexual pleasures, dang you. It's because nothing helps me drift off to sleep better than a little eye-to-eye with my beautiful bald head. But this morning my eyes looked swollen and my head was stuffed from this cold I must have caught in the studio. My mustache hair was all mussed and wouldn't lay right and I started thinking about how maybe I should shave it off. I've had that mustache since I was twelve! I slapped myself for thinking we should ever part. I slapped myself for being bumrushed by thought of inferiority and self-doubt. Those thoughts are not the thoughts for me! I am a mastermind of personal innovation!  

Still, I did not want to get out of bed. I started trying to think of something that would motivate me—something immediate that would distract from the fact that I had to do three radio interviews that afternoon with loudmouth DJ's and then tape an episode with a girl who had ringworm, which I really just wasn't looking forward to. I couldn't think of anything. I was going to stay in bed all day until I thought of the one magic perfect thing.  

Then I did: ham sandwich.

I love a good ham sandwich. Personally I like 'em with pickles and mustard on rye bread. That's how my mother used to feed little Phil. The ham sandwich suddenly made me swell with pride and remembrance for saintly Mommy. I jumped straight out of bed. I trotted to the kitchen in my PJs (I wear long underwear printed with Tina Turner's head, don't ask) and fell upon the fridge with a nasty stomach vengeance.

I couldn’t even wait for the bread. I rolled big sloppy fat rolls of ham into mouth-sized gobs and stuffed them in one after another.

Then, you know what? I felt grand. I felt ready to face my day and take on whatever grossness delivered by my guests or my impending self doubt (even masterminds can come down with a case of the blues). Sometimes you just need one little thing to jumpstart your day, even if it is a pork product.