Years from now, when all the Bush-haters are drooling in nursing homes and historians weigh in on my legacy, I think they will recognize the deal I just cut with U.S. car makers was a historic one. The historians, not the droolers.

I got them to take my $17.4 billion loan! Instead of the other way around. 

Usually, when you walk into a car dealer and agree to buy that nifty Chrysler LeBaron with the velour seat covers, the process has just started.

First, they want you to finance it with them. Don't do it! You can get a better deal at your credit union.

Then, they try to sell you rustproofing, or an extended warranty, or some kind of clapper in case you lose your keys. Just say no!

Remember--you just did them a favor. If you didn't buy that car, they wouldn't hit their monthly quota.

Well, it's getting close to my last day as POTUS--that's what they call the President. It stands for Person of Total Undermisestimated Smirkiness. My Secret Service detail told me.

Pretty soon, I'll have to call Dad and ask him to line up my next job. This one was okay, but I thought the Texas Rangers gig was more fun. And not a single member of my cabinet ever tested positive for steroids.

As things wind down, I'm all of a sudden getting deluged with requests for pardons, but I'm not going to fall into that "gotcha" trap.

Look what happened to Bill Clinton, with Marc Rich, his dope-dealing brother Roger and Patty "Tanya" Hearst, Little Miss Symbionese Liberation Army. That wouldn't look good on my bio when I'm trying to land a six-figure speaking gig with the Chamber of Commerce.

So hear me loud and clear--no pardons. Not for none of you turkeys--human or otherwise.

This video is an absolute joke. While it covered a few of my transition proposals, there was more than one glaring omission. Like my committee to ignore natural disasters and my request to become prime minister of America – like what they did with Putin.

 The other day I told CNN I regretted saying some things. Like “Bring em on” and “dead or alive”. Since that interview I thought of more things I shouldn’t have said:

 

1. That John Kerry was a hell of a swift boat commander.
2. Those New Orleans people party too much. God should do something about them.
3. Mayonnaise on waffles? How can I lose?
4. Deregulation? That’s such a big word it’s gotta be good.
5. You know what John Ashcroft needs to do? Sing.

I knew there was something I had to do yesterday. On Monday when I was going to bed I kept thinking “vote, vote, vote.” That usually helps.

Remember that movie where Bill Murray and that kooky groundhog drive the truck off the cliff and then they wake up in the morning and the same day has just started over again? Heh, I don’t care much for Bill Murray, but any movie with a groundhog drivin’ a truck off a cliff… well that’s a movie that’s gonna make W’s top ten.

One of the best parts of being a lame-duck president is senior pranks. I looked it up in my Mr. Peanut Presidents of the United States Coloring Book. In the last year of your presidency, you're allowed to pull senior pranks on the Speaker of the House, the Senate Majority Leader and the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

It took me a long time to complete my presidency, so I'm chompin' at the bit. A lot of guys like my dad finish their presidency in four years. I needed eight years, but so did Bill Clinton and everybody thinks he's smart.

Anyway, Congress is on vacation until September, and the Supreme Court doesn't get back to work until the first Monday in October. Talk about lazy government employees! Here's what I have in mind.

<!--[if gte mso 9]> Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]> <![endif]--><!--[if !mso]>

<![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <![endif]-->It’s been about a month now since Barack Obama became president of the United States (POTUS, heh) and a lot of people are wondering what I have been up to. Believe you me, it is a relief to not be president anymore. Ever since he beat that woman in June, I have been living the high life. I have finally gotten to do all the things I’ve wanted to do.

They are letting me squat in the White House for a bit while I look for a new pad, and I have a secret to tell you: I haven’t seen Obama once. I’m not racist, but you know what they say about his kind and hard-work. Heh. You know.

Here is sneak peak into my typical day as the former Commander in Chief.

11am: Wake up.

11:30am: Really wake up.

12:00am/pm: Hot Cheetos and a Pepsi for breakfast while watching Dawson’s Creek re-runs on CW.

It's always hard for me to concentrate on work come Friday afternoon. The main reason I took this job was to implement the 4 and 1/2 day work week. If the week ended at noon on Friday, then thursday would then become the new Friday -- in terms of care free attitude and excitement for the weekend! I could go down in history as the coolest president ever. But alas, No fun Nancy Pelosi veteod that idea.

So in silent protest, instead of doing work, I spend Friday afternoons trolling the internet for viral humor videos. I just found this one about me: