Sorry it's taken me so long to comment on The Golden Clog Awards. Guess that's because I didn't fucking hear of them till now. After all, The Golden Clogs make the ESPYs look like the Oscars.

Let me explain, please, what The Golden Clogs are: They are awards dreamed up by nothing chef Tony Bourdain and -- wait a minute, this next one is making me laugh too hard to type -- Michael Ruhlman, the genius author who brought you such classics as "The Making of a Chef" and "The Soul of a Chef". More about those pieces of shit later.

Oh, these Golden Clogs. What genius! "The Alton Award, for being on Food Network and yet, somehow managing to not suck". Get it? The Alton? For that annoying, blathering, gimmicky fuck who actually does -- in fact -- suck and cannot CANNOT cook! The guy must've watched an old episode of "Mr. Wizard's World" followed by an old episode of "The Frugal Gourmet" and decided to combine the two into one amazingly shitty show. Sounds like this award was created out of jealousy, though. Neither of these two assholes have a Food Network show. In fucking fact, Bourdain's slumming it on some no-name station on basic cable. Hey Tony, I'm on network TV. Net-fucking-work TV! Two shows here in the States, and more to speak of back home.

Let's see, what else? Oh, "The Cat Cora Award", which is given to talentless chefs. Ripping on Cat Cora now? Is it because you two tiny-dicked assmunches got shot down by Cat? Probably.

I can almost see it:

BOURDAIN: Hi Cat. Wanna go eat deep-fried duck bills at this out-of-the-way awesome restaurant in Alentejo, Portugal that no one has ever heard, but I have because I'm so able to entrench myself into the zeitgeist of whichever country I am in?

CAT CORA: No thanks. I have diarrhea from eating at Les Halles last night. Maybe you should quit being a chef Tony? You gave it a good try.

But Tony and Mike; Mike and Tony, you still managed to get on your knees and tongue the taint of Thomas "I'm so pretentious that I iron my aprons and tell everyone about it" Keller. Great job there. Maybe someday he'll let you mop his kitchen floor, Bourdain. Maybe he'll let Ruhlman type up his menu. That fucking douche Keller probably jerks off to "Ratatouille"every day just because he consulted on the shitty movie. And shitty it was.

Moving on, who are you to give an award to Tyler Florence for worst career move? Have you read your own fucking novels Bourdain? Ruhlman, you're excused. Nothing you could do can be construed as the "worst career move". You're that much of a nothing.

Last but not least, "The Steingarten Award for the writer or blogger who actually gets it". This really cracks me up, when assholes like these two use the phrase "gets it." GETS WHAT?! Gets that he can go on Iron Chef and stuff his face and make vapid comments about the food under the pretense of being a judge. That fat fucking pig makes the late RW Apple Jr. look like a monk who lives in constant self-denial. Yeah, Steingarten "gets it" all right. He "gets it" repeatedly from Bourdain and Ruhlman -- at the same time.

Well, gotta go! But that's my rundown on The Golden Clogs. More next time about Ruhlman's shitty books. I know tons of Culinary Institute of America grads that laugh when they read that shit. So fucking off base, it's funny.