I haven't gotten many phone calls lately, so I just wanted everyone to know that my phone number is still the same. I know a while ago, I lost my phone. So you're probably still thinking I can't be reached. You guys can all start calling me again.
Also, I'll still be at Rafio's Steakhouse on Friday night at 9, and probably leaving with a waitress around 10:15. I'm punctual, but you guys probably remember that. I only bring this up because the last time I was at Dan Tanna's and at Julie Wong-Diaz there was no one out there taking pictures. It took me a minute to remember what it was like walking to my car without being photographed. I ironed my shirt for nothing.
Come to think of it, I also haven't been photographed near or in my car lately, too. I was trying to tell Heidi Klum about this, but she just kept yelling, "I can't hear you! Take off your pants!" So I did. I think she finally got the message. She was one of the people who had basically forgotten about me.
Which brings me to you. You, too, have forgotten about me. I haven't gotten fan mail, panties thrown on stage, girls requesting to cut off some of my hair, or anonymous notes from an NFL player threatening to "kick my lily ass." Just wanted all of you to know that I still have the same email address, the same phone number, the same address, I drive the same car, I frequent the same Apple Store, and I gas up my car at the same place every Saturday at 2:00 pm.
Britney Spears:
I know how to get attention, so let me give you a few suggestions. Try any of the following and plenty of pics will be taken: 1) have baby, dangle it from your car doing 85 MPH; 2) do coke, take pills, drink half a bottle of vodka, and show up to perform at MTV awards show; 3) marry white trash, do reality show that makes your new life look like a Jerry Springer episode; 4) appear in public place obviously intoxicated, shave head; 5) get sex change, flash beaver in public at every opportunity. Hope this helps, but to tell you the truth, now that I've thought about it, I'm not really sure who you are.
9/18/2008 11:11 AMSarah Palin:
I tried calling the number that you left in laundry marker on my ass, but it trailed off and I couldn't tell if it was a 5 or a 9. How about this: you show up at one of my stump speeches and do your little pants-dance for the GOP. God loves a good God-fearing boy prancing around in his underwear as much as the next guy.
9/18/2008 12:03 PMJessica Simpson:
John I keep trying to call you, but you ain't answering my calls. I changed my number so maybe you just don't know it's me. Tony is playing football this week, so we can get togehter if ya want.
9/22/2008 11:24 PMKisses,
Jessica
Brett Favre:
Those notes weren't threatening, you misread them John.
10/1/2008 10:36 PMI didn't say *KICK* your lilly ass, I said , "kiss your lilly ass".
'Aint no one can do it like you can, good play buddy.
Call me next time your in Wisconsin.
XOXOXOXO
Anonymous:
Dude...I mean congrats for hitting it with Jessica and all but...you suck, BAD. I mean REALLY BAD. You can play guitar just fine, but you act like such a pussy and come off like a needy bitch all the time so you have zero street credit. ZERO. I feel for you, I do. I will pray for you John, because God in his mysterious ways MUST have a fucking reason for your existence no mater how disastrous it is for all aspiring guitar players out there. Let's pray John...
10/2/2008 4:08 AMDavid Hasselhoff:
You want to be on "Knight Rider"? Well you can't, cuz you're a girly man!!!! That's right, and Ms. Aniston made you look like a bitch, which you EZ HO!!! No come on BIOTCH stop acting like Clay "I am Gay(?)" Aiken and start acting like Jimmy "I fuck fourteen year olds and worship the DEVIL!" Page and man up.
10/2/2008 4:13 AMJohn Mayer:
Ok, as if you all have not noticed by every past and even my present relationship. I'm a total gay... like duh. I just wanted to get that out so that poor poor Jen would like leave me alone already needy bicth.
1/30/2009 3:45 PMJennifer Aniston:
I kinda thought you where gay when you asked me to put on a strap-on....... Thought at first it was going to be threesome with another girl and yourself as we pigged roasted her like the little slut she was...... Than you told me to bend you over the couch and give you a reach around... And even the didlo was to loose for your gapping Hole...
3/19/2009 4:31 PM