Times are tough. CD sales are down, ticket sales are down, and in general, people on the street are throwing fewer dollars into my open guitar case. Times call for a second job and for cut backs.

Speaking of cutting - have you recently been in a situation in your kitchen, where you looked down at your knife selection, and nothing matched, and no knives really did the kind of work you needed? Is your steak knife getting too dull? Can your serrated knives no longer cut through phone books? Or is it that you simply do not wash them, they're rusty, or they are coated in dried blood and wrapped in plastic somewhere?

It's come to the point where after a concert, I have more scraps of paper stuffed into my pocket and tossed into my guitar case than panties. This is crazy. And the panties are all un-used these days. It's like people are just buying packs of new panties and tossing them onto stage. If you're going to do that, at least send me guy's underwear. It would save me the cost of buying new undies.

What's sending me over the edge is that all these scraps of paper have a MySpace address of a band. No one has websites anymore. No one sends me demo CDs of their stuff. And long gone are the days of lavishing me with praises and gifts to butter me up to check out someone's band. Now it's all, "I want to make it big. I want a record deal. But I'm too lazy to put forth any effort, so, dude, here's a link to MySpace account."

You know what I see when I get to their page? Instead of fans commenting on their music, all I see is "Thanks for the add."

I'm just going to get to the point of it: If I have to go to MySpace to check out your band, then they're probably shit. They probably sound like some combination of Neil Diamond + Interpol + Postal Service.

I went to a Mets game the other day, and when I took a break to use the restrooom, I saw one of those Dippin' Dots carts, where girls were standing in dirty aprons and swatting away flies. The ice cream had all melted into regular ice cream, which I'm guessing is ice cream of the past.  

Have you seen their logo? It says "ice cream of the future." Yeah, right. If Dippin' Dots is the ice cream of the future, then Gavin Rossdale is still the most talented musician I know. Do you know how long they've been saying it's the ice cream of the future? They've been saying this for a long time, and Dippin' Dots are still the same, they're still overpriced, and they still melt into one big clump as soon as you walk off. Plus - and this is the biggest argument here - how many other ice cream companies have converted into dots? Huh? Think about it people!

Below are some ideas I have for new slogans for Dippin' Dots - add your own in the comment section.

I didn't even know it was going to be the 4th of July until I looked at the calendar. Holy crap, the holidays come and go. It seems just yesterday it was Global Forgiveness Day. 

On that note, I'd like to take this time to publicly ask for the forgiveness of the Borders book chain stores. You see, I'm about to rock their (and your) world, by bringing you a list of books that I have "forgotten to put back on the shelf" after I walked out of the store. These books are not equipped with that magnetic security device that triggers the alarms.

The Chicken Book by Page Smith - This delightful tome will have you rollicking with joy as you peer at the feathers of some of the world's most pretentious and sexy chickens out there. This is a good coffee table book to get the conversation started. Incidentally, this is not a cook book.

Help! I'm a Military Spouse--I Get a Life Too!: How to Craft a Life for You As You Move With the Military, (Second Edition) by Kathie Hightower and Holly Scherer - Worried that your husband is spending too much time with the military? Is he or she just hanging out with military friends on military bases and getting a military haircut and not actually joining? Well, this is a great book, because it can really get you set for officially joining the Navy or the Army ROTC.

(in this picture: Indian-American girls, not American Indian girls)

Well, I'm in New York for a few days. Long story, but I'll tell you that I had the greatest falafel roll-up today. I don't know what was in it, but it tasted like either roasted red peppers or pimento cheese spread. One of these days, I'll get around to solving that little mystery.

But while I was waiting in line, two different girls were in front of me. They weren't together, but they looked similar. They were equally honeylicious, as Seacrest sometimes says. They were both dressed similarly, like yuppie students from wealthy families, and they looked very much alike, too. Only difference: one was American Indian, and the other was Indian-American. (I provided a couple of links in case you're behind.)

How can you tell the difference? I don't really want to be "that guy" who generalizes ethnic groups into stereotypes, but here's how:

• American Indian girls are regularly glaring at white guys. Indian-American girls are lusting after white guys.
• American Indian girls are free to date white guys, while Indian-American girls only do so out of rebellion, and to get into blues bars.

Normally I'm fielding questions from fans, like "I'm 14, will I find true love?" or "John, how do you know so much about life and love?" or "Will Qtrax be available for Mac soon?" If it has to do with music, Macs, or love, usually I can answer it. But I guess I need to admit that I'm stumped when it comes to hooking up electronic equipment, so I'm coming to you, News Groper readers, for the answer. My other blogs that I am constantly abandoning and then rejuvenating are only read my obsessive girl fans, and they wouldn't know what Blu-Ray was anyway. 

So, I recently bought an HD DVD player because Best Buy was selling them all for really cheap, like they were almost giving them away. I bought a really nice one for only $1. How cool is that? But I'm having a problem. I got an advance copy of my newest DVD on Blu-Ray about a month ago (I had to pay extra), and it's not playing in my HD DVD player. What's happening?

I mean, it was like clockwork back in the day. I’d go to some club or coffee house when I was bored, whip out my guitar, strum a few of those chords, A or C# or whatever, and bam, it was a done deal. I didn’t always get a super model or anything, but she had at least done some modeling.

The last couple years though, I mean, I’m not running a charity here.

Sure, I have a famous girlfriend, Jennifer something… But you guys don’t know the thrill of blowing the mind of a small town cocktail waitress who is having trouble with her boyfriend and then getting to you know… live the song out in real life.

I’d just drop into my sultry, full bodied voice with a line like “One pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue,” and ba da bing. But now…

This is so embarrassing. I lost my cell phone (and no, not to get a free upgrade), and now my phonebook has only Jennifer's number and my Dad's - those are the only two I had memorized. This is like the 10th time I've lost my phone and had to get a newer, fancier one each time, and email like a hundred people asking them for their numbers.

I have no idea where I could have left it -- maybe the library or the Gap, it doesn't matter. But I need your numbers! I've already started a group on Facebook and submitted a blog post through MySpace, and so blogging on here remotely from the house is my last resort. And Jared, if you're reading this, I'm sorry I couldn't make it into the News Groper office today. I'll try to make it in tomorrow.

Anyway, please leave your number in the comment section! Or email them to me at john@johnmayer.com. Thanks!

I hope the Lakers school the Celtics!

Correction: Jennifer Aniston and I hope the Lakers beat the Celtics.

I just came back from a late-night meeting with some other familar faces in the LA scene: Will Smith, Jack Nicholson, Justin Timberlake (who brought his Grammy), and Lindsay Lohan. They told me I have to root for the Lakers, even though they wouldn't answer me the question why they're called The Lakers. Are there any lakes in LA? I haven't seen any, and the ocean doesn't count.