Recently, on that show I do that you don’t watch because you’d rather be sitting through that ‘Seinfeld’ rerun where Jerry picks his nose, we aired an important story about illegal immigrants (mostly women) who give birth to things (mostly babies) in order to stay in our country.

Hispanic groups are calling me “the female Lou Dobbs,” named after the immigrant-hating blowhard. But they fail to take into account that my alcohol and drug addictions are keeping plenty of illegal Hispanics employed. In fact, I have five Dominican housekeepers (all named “Rosie”), and three Guatemalan nannies (also all named “Rosie”). None of my Hispanic dealers and employees have ever said one bad thing about me, and have even given me a cute nickname: Culera, which I’m told means “Blessing hole” in Spanish.

I’m so sensitive to my employees' heritage that I won’t even allow them to mop the floors with Spic-and-Span.

I make sure there is plenty of aluminum foil around so they can eat their chicken out of it, the way all Hispanics do. And every afternoon I insist they lay down for their Siesta because I know that putting in a full 16 hours a day may be something we Caucasians are used to doing, but that’s not something Hispanics can manage. In their culture, four hours of work a week is considered a full-time job. I understand that.

In my household, we play regaeton whenever my daughters and I are not home, to make the Rosies feel less homesick. And even though I don’t have to, I pay them all minimum wage because I respect them as human Latinas.

As for the report we aired on my show, all I can say is, Come on! That woman was an illegal immigrant who was clearly abusing the good will of our health care system by having the temerity to give birth in Texas instead of on her kitchen floor like any respectable maid. Did you not see how she abused our American generosity by laying in that hospital bed with her newborn (American) baby in one arm as expensive (American) drugs were pumped into her through an IV? She wasn’t working hard or contributing in any way to our great society--she was lazily recovering from a difficult birth, and we had a right to call her on it.

I like the Hispanical people, even when they’re from Portugal or Haiti or Queens. I like them so much I plan on hiring a few more to help me with a major dinner party I’m throwing next week.

No, if I had to choose a group of people to hate, it wouldn’t be the Latins. I’d pick the goddamn Asians, the rude fuckers. I fucking hate Julie Chen.