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Kiefer Sutherland’s Blog

Never go against the family, Castro

By Kiefer Sutherland

Bio & Blog

castro.jpg
Photo by pingnews.com via Flickr

So, apparently Fidel Castro’s health has returned to a decent state, because he’s BACK IN THE MEDIA TALKING SHIT ON THE U.S. OF A! In his latest turd of demagoguery, Castro claims not only that the CIA funded and supported a Mafia-aided assassination-by-poison attempt on him (OK, so maybe they did, BUT WHO CARES? HE WAS A TOTAL ASSHOLE!), but also that their inside man, Juan Orta, totally botched the job and was unable to get close enough to Castro to finish him.

Two things about the assassination attempt strike me as problematic. First, former CIA director Allen Dulles should have figured out that organized criminals NEVER GET THE JOB DONE! (Remember the SALAZAR BROTHERS from season three? God, I HATED THOSE GUYS!) Seriously, do you think a bunch of goons who are more interested in operating casinos and selling drugs than in global security are going to be able to successfully off one of the world’s most outspoken, charismatic, and highly guarded leaders? What did they think they were going to do — POISON HIS PLANTAINS?! I’ve handled my share of undercover organized crime jobs, and I can assure you, THESE GUYS ARE A JOKE! (Except Vito Corleone, who, with the help of the internet, I was sad to recently discover, WASN’T EVEN A REAL PERSON!)

The second mistake, presumably made more on Orta’s part than on the Mafia’s, was not doing his homework on his target — a mistake that, personally, I never would have made. Five minutes worth of research at CTU headquarters revealed that one of Castro’s favorite dishes is PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES!

SERIOUSLY, HE CAN’T RESIST THEM!

After ascertaining this inside information, the next step should have been easily deduced …

POISON CASTRO’S PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES!!!

I mean, come on! This guy, Orta, goes for the easy way out with the plantain plot (which is probably ethnically insensitive), and then this commie bastard HASN’T EVEN BEEN BROUGHT BACK TO CTU FOR QUESTIONING?! It’s been over FORTY YEARS! Where’s the resolve? Where’s the intelligence? WHERE ARE THE COOKIES?!

NOW, DAMMIT!

7/12/2007 6:34 PM, Havana
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