Here I am, saving America from terrorists, day after day, and now the very government I’ve sacrificed my (character’s) life for is locking me up. Come on, Mr. President. You commuted Scooter Libby’s sentence. Why not mine? Seriously, whose done more for torture in the past 6 years than me? 24 premiered in 2001, just in time to boost support for Guantanamo. And without me, I doubt the Patriot Act would’ve passed so easily.

People always ask me: “What do you think constitutes torture?” I say, just pretend saving this country, day after day, without craving a sip of Jimmy Bean. Now THAT’s torture.

Well, America. I’m off to jail. And you better pray I get out and I’m sober enough to save you next month. For now, all I can say is Merry F!#@ing X-mas!