Being the Pope is like being the CEO of a Fortune 500 corporation. Except that the secretaries aren't as good-looking at the Vatican.

We've got some people, they're real go-getters. Every day, they come in and crank out 50 Hail Marys, 200 gallons of Holy Water, whatever. They're heavy hitters.

Others--not so good. I walk by their workstations and they're playing "Hang the Protestant" or solitaire, or they're looking at nuns in plus-size habits on the Lane Bryant web site. They see me and they minimize the window, as if that's gonna fool a tech-savvy pontiff like myself. I know who these people are without looking at their computer screens. I can spot them across the room by their "Jesus is Coming--Look Busy!" coffee mugs.

I've got to keep everybody on their toes if I'm going to stay ahead of Islam as the world's largest religion by membership and market capitalization. So starting today, everybody has to punch in and out at the Vatican timeclock at the beginning and end of every workday. No exceptions--other than me. I'm the boss.

You know what happens if you come in a few minutes late at a minaret? They dock you a half day's pay, but first they stone you to death. It was the best the union could get.

Or how about the Jews? If you try to slip out the back door of a synagogue at 4:55 because your kid's got an orthodontist appointment, they go all eye-for-an-eye on you and make you wear a retainer for a month. It's brutal.

No, my employees should just be thankful they get to work at the Vatican. People should pay us for working here! It's like getting a job at Yankee Stadium.

And I'm much nicer than Steinbrenner.