One of the best parts of being a lame-duck president is senior pranks. I looked it up in my Mr. Peanut Presidents of the United States Coloring Book. In the last year of your presidency, you're allowed to pull senior pranks on the Speaker of the House, the Senate Majority Leader and the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

It took me a long time to complete my presidency, so I'm chompin' at the bit. A lot of guys like my dad finish their presidency in four years. I needed eight years, but so did Bill Clinton and everybody thinks he's smart.

Anyway, Congress is on vacation until September, and the Supreme Court doesn't get back to work until the first Monday in October. Talk about lazy government employees! Here's what I have in mind.

For Nip 'n Tuck Pelosi, I'm thinking maybe a dead chipmunk in a file cabinet. I got plenty--Barney brings me one nearly every day. That'll make her face lift sag.

For old sourpuss Harry Reid, I'm gonna roll a 16 oz. package of Jimmy Dean Pork Sausage under his desk where the cleaning staff won't see it. It should smell real nice after two weeks in the August heat.

For Chief Justice Roberts, I'll probably go easy on him. Maybe just fill up his private bathroom with foam packing peanuts, somethin' kooky like that. I don't wanna piss him off too much. I may need him on my side if Cindy Sheehan sues me or somethin'.