Phish fans are the worst. You know the type. You may have worked with one, or be related to one. If you've been to college since the mid-90's, then you definitely know one. If you've had pizza delivered, then you've had your pizza delivered by a Phish fan.

For a long time, they would infiltrate my concert, pushing my fans aside to get "close to the action." These peaceful-loving fans are not always so peaceful. If you show one sign of non-chill or if you make a face toward their unwashed hair or smoky blunt, they're likely to break your face. They usually boo me when I don't jam out and let the song go on for an hour.

I didn't know what to do until I read this about keeping unwanted fans out of events. Here are few things I've thought of so far. Let me know what you think.

• Proof of recent shower within the last 12 hours. Bouncers and ticket agents will be smelling armpits.
• Well-groomed facial hair for the men, and shaved legs for the women.
• Wearing any t-shirts of the following bands will keep you from getting into a John Mayer concert: The Flaming Lips, The Allman Brothers, The Grateful Dead, Dave Matthews Band. (Jack Johnson shirts are on a case-by-case basis.)