I'm going to be a dad, guys. In fact, not just once, but twice! Jen's got two buns in the oven! Now, if I can only get her to, you know, talk to me again...

I can prove I'll be a great dad, Jen. Since I'm a full-fledged adult, I can now say that parenthood is nothing to take lightly. It requires a lot of maturity, a lot of commitment. It's a pretty tough job. But, you know, I'm positive that I can handle it. How do I know this? Um, well, have you listened to any of my songs?

Like, maybe you've heard this line before: "Fathers, be good to your daughters/Daughters will love like you do/Girls become lovers who turn into mothers/So mothers, be good to your daughters, too." Damn, that's some solid parenting advice right there. Real specific, too. Yeah, you're welcome.

Also, there's this gem: "Pain throws your heart to the ground/Love turns the whole thing around/No, it won't all go the way it should/But I know the heart of life is good" That one I'm saving for when my kids realize their dad used to sleep with Jessica Simpson. And Tony Romo.

When it comes to the inevitable sex talk, you know I've got it more than covered. "Your Body Is A Wonderland" ringing any bells? I don't have to tell you that it gives you everything you need to know about the birds and the bees. Am I right, or am I right? Of course I am.

And when my little bundles of joy suffer the heartache of lost love, that's when I'll really shine. I mean, practically my entire catalog is devoted to the topic. Whether I was getting dumped by Jennifer Love Hewitt, Heidi Klum, Cameron Diaz, Jessica Simpson, Minka Kelly, Nicole Scherzinger, Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz (yeah, you read that correctly), or even you, Jen, my babies' mama, the angst of splitting up was always on my mind. Now, that's mainly because I'm into some real sketchy, kinky shit in bed that most chicks can't deal with, but the point remains.

In short, I can guide my children through any problem with the power of my songwriting... Or at least with the power of Clay Cook's songwriting. Either way, these kids are set for life! So what the hell are you so afraid of, Jen? Seriously, the Grammys speak for themselves.