I am about to dispel information that is vital to national security. Please listen closely.
Unless you’ve been DEEP UNDERCOVER ON A BLACK-OPS MISSION IN KOSOVO! the last few years, then you probably know I star as Jack Bauer on the Emmy Award-winning, hit television drama 24. In fact, since I’ve been pretty fond of method acting of late, let’s just CUT THE CRAP and face facts, buster: I AM JACK BAUER! You need only see my Hollywood mansion to understand my commitment to this role. I’ve transformed it into a replica set of CTU headquarters, complete with satellite imagery computers, secret sound-proof interrogation rooms, and a toilet-seat identification device that EXTRACTS READABLE GENETIC CODE FROM YOUR BUTT CHEEKS WHILE YOU ARE PEEING (OR EXCRETING)! All in the name of staying in character, people.
I take my job seriously, so you can imagine my apprehension when 24 producers announced they would be introducing A FEMALE PRESIDENT NEXT SEASON! Don’t get me wrong: I’m a pretty progressive guy, and would love to see a real-life American female president some day—as long as her name doesn’t start with an “H” and end with an illary Clinton.” But a female president ON TELEVISION?! You’ve got to be CHINESE WATER TORTURING ME! (YOU ARE CHINESE WATER TORTURING ME! STOP! I WON’T TELL YOU ANYTHING!)
Sorry. Really, though, I am concerned, for I have slight misgivings whether regular viewers of the Fox Television Network are ready to watch their hero (not my best pic) and the rest of the free world take orders from someone WITHOUT A Y CHROMOSOME! I, of course, have no problem with it. But those who tune in to Fox regularly for shows like So You Think You Can Dance and American Idol are of a decidedly different ilk than your standard hyper-intelligent, truth-seeking 24 watcher.
These viewers, God bless them, tend to have more traditional American values, and expect women to take on more subservient roles (notice how the men always “lead” on that dance show?) or constantly be high on pills. Some of these traditional viewers might not find a strong female character very believable. WHAT IF PEOPLE TUNE IN AND ARE DISAPPOINTED OR OFFENDED?! Next thing you know, they’re complaining to the network about 24 being—God forbid—unrealistic, and I END UP GETTING FIRED FROM CTU!
I mean the show. Fired from the show.