Okay, I admit it. It was me who ghost-wrote the article in L'Osservatore Romano that said it was the washing machine, not "The Pill", that really liberated women. Sort of Holy Ghost-wrote it, if you know what I mean.

Lotsa people, they say "Hey Pope--whadda you know about women, huh?" To these people I say--I could take everything you know about women, stick it in my navel and still have room for some belly button lint--capiche?

I don't know what it is--chicks dig big appliances! Ask a woman which she'd rather have, sex or a new top-loading Maytag, and be ready to hand her the fabric softener. It's unreal.

Other people say--"Pope, you no play-a da game, you no make-a da rule!" To these people I say--lose the bogus Italian accent already. I'm German!

But if you want some tips on pleasuring your lady and will stop asking stupid questions, I'm happy to help.

To get her warmed up, start out gently, with the Kitchen Magician from Popeil, the miracle grater that slices, dices, chops and shreds. That will get you to first base.

Next, get her a countertop donut maker. My personal favorite is the Dough-Nu-Matic. Giving your old lady a license to make donuts sends her the subliminal message you don't think she's too fat.

Rounding second, heading for third. I like the Hoky brand carpet sweeper, available in black, blue or red. Remember--red is the color of passion, my son.

By now, she's got her fingernails dug into your back like a cat on a scratching post. Finish her off with the Big One--a Speed Queen "stacked" washer/dryer combo.

Your neighbors won't be able to sleep from her banging on the headboard!