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I've been hearing about all this Christian Bale bullshit, how he bawled out some camera guy for interrupting a shot, and how Christian went off on some f-word tirade for twenty minutes and shit. And everyone tells me, “Man, that Christian can cuss. Dude’s an artist with curse words.”

Oh, la-tee-got-damn-dah! Fuck that. Christian Bale can suck my third nut. What Christian Bale knows about cussing, I can fit in the reservoir tip of my used Magnum condom.

Christian, you want to master the fine art of profanity, you need to know a few things:

1. Don’t overdo the word “fuck.” The f-word is like warm apple pie, you know what I’m saying? Taste on that shit, but don’t wear the word out, otherwise it gets all sloppy. Use some other cuss words now and then to keep that “fuck” nice and tight.

2. If you gonna threaten to kick somebody’s ass, there better be an ass-kicking in your near future. Empty threats make you sound like a redneck. Say you’re gonna kick his ass, then do it. Don't say you're gonna kick some ass, then demand that same ass to be fired. Either kick or fire the ass. You can't have that ass both ways.

3. I don’t know what this shit is about “lights” this and “lights” that, but got-damn, Chris, you ain’t the only motherfucker on the got-damn set. It’s all well and good for you to be feeling the moment while acting, but you got an ugly got-damn mouth and a weird nose. When a light-obsessed camera guy wants to make you look better, you best be sucking on his cock. You need all the good lighting you can get just to make you look less like a guy with severe case of sideways vagina-mouth.

4. While acting in a movie about robot-explosions do not think, “I am so in this acting moment, I’ll verbally disembowel any motherfucker who interrupts me.” Terminator Four ain’t some piece of Bergman fine art--it’s a fucking movie about explosions. There ain't no acting moment in a robot-exploding movie worthy of Art. You’re getting paid a Jessica-Simpson's-ass-load of money to growl out stupid-ass lines about blowing up robots. No need to be so serious that you go all batshit on some guy doing his got-damn job (and, like I said, that guy’s got-damn job is to make sure the lights don’t emphasize your sideways-cunt mouth).

There’s a time and a place to use profanity. Most of those times is all the got-damn time. But the true cussing artisan knows how to be profane. Anyone can use the f-word, but it takes a true got-damn artist to know when to bring out the f-word, and when to leave it simmering in the background. And, Christian, you ain't no motherfucking artist. You're basically auditioning to be in the Rob Blagojevich Story.