Until I wrote this post, I never paid attention to Jack Thompson. Motherfucker was just a head that popped up on my TV, spouting off reactionary bullshit and pulling statistics out of his ass like they were fluffy white bunnies.

But I wiki’d him tonight and got-damn if the dude ain’t ten times more retard than expected.

I mean, this motherfucker’s so ignorant I’m surprised Bush didn’t nominate him for Attorney General.

Or Atto General, since that’s how the motherfucker signs all his comments. Jesus fucking christ, do all lawyers sign every got-damn comment they leave on the Internet “So-and-So, Atto”? Can’t nobody fucking spell on the Internet no more? I don’t say, “Samuel L. Jackson, Acto,” or “Samuel L. Jackson, Aca Award Nom,” or even “Sam Jack, Bad Mo Fu.” I spell that shit out. It’s just a few more got-damn letters. “Atty” would be acceptable, you fucking moron. Stop with the “atto” bullshit.

And by the way, motherfucker, atto has it’s own got-damn wiki entry. It means you’re a pretty got-damn small, insignificant unit of measurement.

I ain’t turning this into the “What’s Jack Thom Doing Instead of Debating Me Like He Fucking Said He Would” blog, but I damn sure can’t resist putting up some juicy facts from your wikipedia entry.

Fact 1: Motherfucker, you think you’re Batman. You a got-damn lawyer, but you play yourself off like some vigilante motherfucker working outside the law. Quoth the fucking Wiki: Thompson said, “I have sent my opponents pictures of Batman to remind them I’m playing the role of Batman. Just like Bruce Wayne helped the police in the movie, I have had to assist the sheriff of Broward County.” He also wore a Batman wristwatch.

Holy shit. A Batman wristwatch? You pick that fucker up at Burger King, or you get it from Hot Topic?

Fact 2: When you ran against Janet Reno for the Dade County prosecutor some-shit-or-other, Wikipedia says: Thompson gave Reno a letter at a campaign event requesting that she check a box to indicate whether she was homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual. Thompson said that Reno then put her hand on his shoulder and responded, “I’m only interested in virile men. That’s why I’m not attracted to you.” He filed a police report accusing her of battery for touching him.

Son, if you were all Batman and shit, you shoulda just whipped out your Batman tools and showed that bitch what you could do with them. I bet Janet would’ve loved your Bat-Flamethrower.

Fact 3: The Florida Supreme Court is currently seeking sanctions against your ass for inappropriate conduct. How the fuck you get considered inappropriate by Florida’s Supreme Court? What did you do–fuck Katherine Harris during a Scientology meeting while flushing voting ballots down a got-damn toilet?

Fact 4: According to you, PlayStation 2’s DualShock controller “gives you a pleasurable buzz back into your hands with each kill. This is operant conditioning, behavior modification right out of B. F. Skinner’s laboratory.” Christ, son, I get that from my off-balance washing machine. Who the fuck cares? I mean, got-damn, you get the same reaction by being on Fox News–the vibrations coming out of Bill O’Reilly give you a pleasurable got-dam buzz that keeps you coming back for more. Otherwise you’d stay in your got-damn state and do your fucking job: being a got-damn atto.

That’s it. That’s all I’m gonna say about Jack Thompson, unless he wants to man himself up to the debate he challenged me to earlier this week. If he wants to take me on, I’ll take his ass any Sam-time, any Sam-channel.

Now excelsior, motherfucker. I’m doing a liveblog of the Oscars this Sunday. If anyone wants to send me some questions or comments, or has a good synopsis of the Best Picture nominees (I ain’t seen them cause I’m too busy working on a Razzie), shoot me a line.