I was listening to NPR this weekend.
And I bet all you motherfuckers never thought I'd begin a blog saying that, like I ain't got nothing better to do on a weekend than sit around bitching about snakes and the got-damn influence of the metric system on American fast food.
Sometimes a brother's just got to sit back and take shit in, you know what I'm saying? If I were hardcore all the motherfucking time, I'd've done blown out my frontal lobe with a stroke. So I was chilling. Glass of wine. Smart stogie. Warm, nipple-teasing breeze blowing. Some cheery got-damn sunshine basking down on me like a hot semi-porny Angelina Jolie jailbait picture. NPR on the radio.
Turns out those NPR people got a new feature going on. It's called "In Character," and this is what they say about that shit: Great characters: What makes them? What does it take to create them? Why do they matter? NPR's In Character series joins with readers to explore these questions.
This weekend, they did Eric Cartman. Over the past few weeks, they've done Long Duk Dong, Elmer got-damn Gantry, Harriet the motherfucking Spy, and that Blanche DuBois bitch. Ain't one got-damn person from NPR called me up to talk about Jules Winnfield. And, motherfucker, if Jules ain't more important that Eric Cartman, then I ain't got no got-damn business putting my feet up on a non-fucked picnic table and kicking back with some fine wine and a good smoke. If Jules ain't worth a few motherfucking minutes on NPR, then I ain't done my job.
Maybe Jules is too badass for the NPR crowd. But I know for a motherfucking fact that Jules has had more of a got-damn impression on culture than fucking Long Duk Dong. The Donger gets a piece on NPR before Jules? You got to be shitting me.
Those motherfuckers even profiled Jack Bauer, and I am as positive as Rock Hudson's AIDS test that Jules made Jack Bauer possible. Without Jules, Jack would've been a ball-free Fox Mulder rip-off who spent all his got-damn time wondering about the consequences of his got-damn actions instead of just laying out some kick-ass lines like, "I'm gonna need a hacksaw." If not for Jules, that line would've been, "I need to requisition a cutting implement, NOW. Process that form because we're RUNNING OUT OF TIME!"
I'm seriously disturbed by all this. They interviewed a got-damn Muppet a few weeks back, and I still ain't gotten a call to talk some Jules.If Jules ain't featured before they do the obvious Holden got-damn Caulfield story, then I am gonna be pissed. Well, not pissed so much as mildly fucking irritated.