While y’all crowd around your Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow pretending to be all grateful about the bullshit things you usually pretend to be thankful for--a home, a loving family, a got-damn free country--I’m gonna be honest with my loved ones. I’m gonna tell them straight up what my ass is thankful for, and it ain’t gonna be the got-damn house cause I ain't sure I even own it no more.
Here’s the list of the shit I’m really thankful for, in no got-damn order because it’s time we all get over the idea of numbers now that Nate Silver owns them all. I mean, got-damn, that Nate motherfucker can tell numbers to jump, and they ask, "Into pie chart or bar graph formation?"
A. “Pushing Daisies” is finally canceled. That means I can start watching the motherfucker on DVD. I’ve already suffered “Twin Peaks” cancelation anxiety, “Arrested Development” cancelation anxiety, “Eerie, Indiana” cancelation anxiety, “Wonderfalls” cancelation anxiety, and “My So-Called Life” cancelation anxiety. This time, I decided to wait that shit out so I don’t spend each motherfucking episode thinking about all the Jim Belushi fans I’m gonna slaughter when the axe falls.
B. The gays are finally pissed off. It’s about got-damn time they got all stirred up and shit. I’m got-damn tired of going into a voting booth every year or so to tell those motherfuckers they got the right to marry and adopt. You don’t need my permission, got-dammit. If you want that equal rights shit, you got to take it. If that means being a little less domesticated “Queer Eye” and a little more wild Stonewall, then do what you got to do. We boycotted an entire transit system when we got pissed off. We refused to sit our black asses at the back of busses, and eat at segregated diner counters. The least you motherfuckers can do is avoid Sundance and El Coyote. In this economy, y’all got the upper hand. Y'all got more money than Rosa Parks ever had, and corporations need them some got-damn money right now.
C. Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City. Finally, I can drive down Wall Street and run over stock-brokers without everyone stopping me to shake my got-damn hand.
D. Having neighbors that let me molest my own got-damn furniture in peace and fucking quiet. If I want to do my got-damn picnic table, it ain’t nobody’s got-damn business. And thankfully, my neighbors feel the same way. Besides, I see what kinda deviant fucked-up shit they do with their houseplants, so privacy works two fucking ways.
E. I'm gonna get a little saccharine right here and say that I'm thankful we got an African-American coming to the White House next year. Literally, too: brother's the son of both an African and an American. Two great got-damn tastes that taste great together. While I ain't thankful for all the bullshit America went through just to feel good about electing some motherfucker that ain't as white as Casper's ass to the White House, it's cool as shit to know we finally did it.
That's my list. Ain't all I'm thankful for, and there's some shit I'm pretty got-damn unthankful for too. Now don't forget that The Spirit comes out on Jesus's birthday, and I got Soul Men in theatres now. Don't choke on your got-damn slaughtered turkey.