So I’m reading through former-fatty Roger Ebert’s blog about movies and I come across a comment left by some dude named Bill Hays. Bill invites us all to “find a way to insert an unnecessary role for Samuel L. Jackson into future movies.” Because Bill thinks I’ve made a got-damn career out of shoe-horning my black ass into movies without really needing to be there.

Bill offers up some examples: “Think of Frozone in ‘The Incredibles.’ Mace Windu in ‘Star Wars.’ Colonel Nick Fury in ‘Iron Man’. Roland in ‘Jumper’. Dr. Harry Adams in Michael Crichton's ‘The Sphere.’ Ray Arnold in ‘Jurassic Park.’ Zeus Carver in ‘Die Hard With A Vengeance.’”

Well, got-damn, Ray, who the fuck are you to call me “unnecessary,” you internet-comment-leaving motherfucker? I’m only one of the top motherfucking money-makers at the box office. You’re saying half my resume is irrelevant and unnecessary, like I’m just some vice principal at a podunk high school in Bumfuck, Alabama.

There ain’t a movie made that ain’t made better by a little Sam Jack. Shit, man, I am convinced that the only unnecessary movies out there are the ones I ain’t in. Shit, Ray, my agents are working with the studios right now to digitally insert some Sam Jack into movies already finished.

Retro-Jacking, they call it.

First up, Citizen Kane, which will be re-released next year with a new title (Motherfuckin’ Kane, Motherfucker). I’ll be playing Kane’s wise-ass shaman confidante who reveals to the motherfucker, as he's dying, that his got-damn sled’s in the basement next to the jigsaw puzzles. Kane jumps up out of his bed and runs downstairs, grabs his sled, and vows to be a better person. Lives to be a hundred years old. Starts a charity for crusty old rich men who lost all their money to Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme.

Then they’re putting me in the Masterpiece Theatre presentation of Waiting for Godot. I play Godot.

And I’m doing Triumph of the Will, too. I’ll be playing Hitler, because the studio thinks the real Hitler's overacting hurt the flick’s long-term bankability.

What I’m really excited about, though, is the chance to play Boo Radley’s best friend Horace in Kill that Got-damn Mockingbird, Got-dammit. I’ve always wanted to work with Robert Duvall.

There, that’s just a taste of what’s coming up for Sam Jack. God knows I got to do something to repair my reputation after The Spirit. And Bill Hays, if you're out there sitting on your flattened-out, internet-commenting ass, feel free to chime in with more suggestions since you seem to have a pretty good got-damn idea of how Sam Jack's career should be going.